


Repeat after me

by statuscrows



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Gaslighting, Hypnotism, Incest Kink, M/M, Porn logic psychology, Sibling Incest, Somnophilia, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-12
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-08-21 00:20:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16565978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/statuscrows/pseuds/statuscrows
Summary: Several years after his brother was disowned Killua seeks him out for a solution to his unexplained phobia.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> you might be thinking that this isn't how hypnotherapy works and you'd be absolutely fucking right. we're in porn logic territory now folks

"You boys better not be up all night," Mito says, placing an extra pair of pajamas on the table. She's already set up a futon and insisted on helping sweep up so Gon's small room is more tidy than usual.

"We won't," Gon says. He's sitting cross-legged on the bed and smiling over at Killua who grins back. Mito pinches his ear. "Ouch!"

"Honestly," she says, shaking her head. Though her expression is stern she doesn't look upset. "I've got work in the morning so I'll be waking you both up early for breakfast."

"I don't really need that much sleep," Killua says. Gon elbows him.

Mito gives an exaggerated sigh. "Good night boys."

"Night."

"Thanks! Good night Mito-san!"

Mito mumbles and shuts the door.

Gon throws a pillow the second she's out of sight and then the fight is on. They really do try to keep it down but Gon laughs loudly and Killua knocks him over a few times by hitting him too hard. An unlucky swing nearly brings an entire shelf down on Killua's head.

When they do eventually calm down Killua changes into the pajamas and curls up on Gon's bed. Gon scoots over and lets him in, still laughing. It's cold that night and the heating in the apartment isn't the best so Killua doesn't think he can be blamed for sliding in a little closer than is strictly necessary. Gon is still breathing heavily and radiating warmth.

"When do you have to leave?" Gon asks.

"Whenever Gotoh starts calling. Probably like the third call." At Gon's confused expression he says, "Okay, so I didn't exactly tell anyone I was coming over. They made such a big deal out of it last time so it's what they get. No one should notice anything until around breakfast and we always have that late on Saturday so whatever."

"Having butlers seems tough." If Gon were anyone else he'd think it was sarcastic.

"It's like having a million moms. A total pain in the ass."

"Mito can probably drop you off on the way to work."

"Nah, I can just grab the bus. I don't want my moms spotting her and getting all annoying."

"If you say so." Gon reaches over to turn off the light.

"Hey uh, could we leave it on for a bit?"

"Mito will know we're still up if she sees that it's on."

"Oh. Okay."

He switches off the light and Killua pulls the blanket up a little higher. Gon and Mito's apartment was so unlike his house. It was cramped and every inch of it was full of stuff, from Gon's sports equipment to the plants that Mito was always growing. Killua tries to remind himself of that safe feeling now that the room is nearly pitch black.

The bed dips as Gon lands beside him again. Killua thinks he keeps his flinch under wraps but Gon make a small questioning noise. "Are you okay, Killua?"

"Huh? Why do you ask?"

He wishes Gon were actually as dumb as he seems sometimes because almost immediately he asks, "Are you afraid of the dark?"

"What?!" Killua's face flushes. "No way!." 

"It's not a big deal if you are."

"Yeah well, I'm not!"

Gon doesn't press the issue. Instead he turns back on the light and tosses a sweater over it. The light is a lot softer now but still visible. Killua relaxes a little. Gon yawns and lays down.

"Thanks," he mutters. Gon nods. It doesn't feel like he's going to laugh. "Don't tell anyone okay?"

"Why would I tell someone?"

"I dunno. Guess you wouldn't." Killua rolls over, burying his face in the pillow. "I don't even know why I _am_ scared of the dark. I'm not a freaken baby. It's embarrassing."

"Mito says everyone's scared of something. She wouldn't let me keep the tarantula I found over the summer. She said sometimes people grow out of their fears and that's good, but if they don't then that's fine too and you shouldn't sneak up on them with a box full of spiders."

"Ha! I feel sorry for your aunt." Killua's smile fades. "But I still want to get over this. I'm way too old for it."

Gon hums thoughtfully. "Can you talk to someone about it?"

"I'm talking to you about it."

"Like a doctor."

"Hell no! I'm not doing that!"

"How come?"

"My parents would find out if I did that."

"Oh. That makes sense."

Killua stares up at the ceiling. He'd thought about it but he didn't want to admit something like that to his parents. And it's not like a minor could get anything done alone...

Killua blinks. "Maybe my brother would know someone."

"Milluki?"

"Ew, no. My other brother. Illumi. You haven't met him but he does psychiatry and stuff. Maybe he could recommend me someone in secret or just give me some books."

"Woah, that's cool. How come you've never mentioned him?"

"He had a big falling out with my parents years ago and got kicked out. I think he still lives in the area, I just haven't really talked to him in forever."

"What happened?"

"I don't really know. My parents don't like talking about it." Killua closes his eyes. "Maybe I'll give him a call or something."

 

 

Killua wishes he were back at Gon's place the second he leaves and keeps wishing it all the way home. It's just after nine when he makes it back. Before he can hop the gate the door swings open. Tsubone stands in front of him, hands held behind her back.

"Why, look who it is!" she announces with a smile. "Killua-sama, how good to see you."

"H-hey Tsubone."

"You look well. Have you had breakfast yet?"

"Okay, how mad are you?"

"Slightly less mad than I was half an hour ago. I've been in contact with your friend's aunt."

"I swear it wasn't their fault," he says quickly. "They had no idea that I'd snuck out."

"Of course they didn't. I asked Ms. Freecs as much and unlike you she doesn't strike me as being a very good liar."

Killua's shoulders slump. "You still sound angry."

"I am." She ushers him inside. "But luckily for you, there's a lot of cleaning to get done. So I'd say after you've helped me shine the windows I'll be feeling much better and there won't be any reason for me to call your parents."

Killua groans. "Thanks Tsubone."

"You're very welcome." She gives him a firm pat in the direction of the butler's quarters. "You can start off by helping Amane clean up breakfast. And Killua-sama?"

"Yeah?" he asks warily.

Tsubone's smile softens into something slightly less menacing. "The next time you feel like running off with your friend you will make sure to contact either myself or Gotoh first."

Killua perks up. "Deal!"

 

 

His dad tends to only be at home during his time between business trips so it takes a couple weeks for Killua to act. Killua's first plan is to just ask him for Illumi's number when they're having dinner but he abandons that thought quickly. Silva is in a really good mood and whenever someone brings up Illumi he has the tendency to get weird and cold.

When Killua thinks about it it's been more than three years since he heard from his brother, apart from Christmas and birthday cards. He has no idea where Illumi is.

He waits until later in the evening when Silva falls asleep on the couch before he steals his phone. It's takes a minute to find Illumi's number since it isn't listed under "Family" like everyone else. He feels weirdly guilty about what he's doing, though he has no idea why. Illumi is his brother and it's not like _they've_ ever fought. There's no reason he shouldn't be able to talk to the guy just because he got caught being semi-rebellious or whatever.

Killua waits until later when the house is completely silent before he dials Illumi's number. His room is at the end of the hall with the next closest being Kalluto's three doors down, so there isn't much chance that he'll be overheard. Unless one of the butlers goes on patrol earlier than normal.

He lays in bed, feet resting on the wall as he listens to the phone ring. On the fourth someone finally picks up.

“Hello?” a sleepy voice says. Killua curses. He forgot that it was past midnight.

“Uh,” Killua says uncomfortably. Not a great start so far. “Hey! Sorry for waking you. I wasn't thinking, obviously. You must be super busy with all the doctor stuff. I can just call you some other time Aniki—”

Killua hears a loud crash on the other end of the line and winces. "You okay?”

The other end stays quiet for a moment before Illumi finally speaks. “Killua?”

“Yeah? Oh shit, I didn't introduce myself. I forgot that you don't have my phone number.” He laughs nervously. “But yeah it's me. Surprised?”

“Yes, very,” Illumi says. His voice doesn't sound quite as tired anymore. Killua has no idea what to say but luckily Illumi keeps talking. “I didn't know you had my number.”

“I kinda stole it from Dad's phone.”

“Ah. That makes sense. Mom and Dad don't know that you're talking to me then?”

“I figured they would just be all weird about it, you know?”

“I do.”

Killua clears his throat. It's been years and somehow he'd totally forgotten how strange it was to try and hold a conversation with Illumi. He was so weird.

“Killua, not that I don't appreciate the call but was there a reason for it?”

“Well yeah, kinda. I had something I wanted to talk to you about."

"Okay."

Killua bites his lip. "It's just... I've been having this problem. It's really dumb and. Fuck, forget about it. It's not a big deal—"

"Killua. Do you want to talk in person?"

"I don't know," Killua rubs his face. "Okay, yeah. Maybe this is one of those face-to-face conversation. Do you still live in the area?"

“Yup. I'm not working on Monday. If you want you can come by when school ends.”

“That'd actually be really great. I don't think I wanna catch up over the phone if we can just meet in person.”

“I can text you the address. It isn't too far from the house and lots of buses come by.”

“Cool.” Killua lets out a sigh of relief. “Thanks. It'll be fun to catch up.” He laughs. “I think I actually kinda missed you.”

The line goes completely silent.

"Hello?"

“...you should go to sleep Killua."

"Right, sorry. It's late."

"I'll see you Monday.”

“Yeah totally.” Killua feels his face heat up. What a sappy thing to say. "Night."

"Good night." Killua is about to hang up when Illumi says, "Oh, and Killua?"

"What?"

"Don't mention this to mom and dad."

Killua rolls his eyes. "Duh."

Illumi hangs up and he's left staring at the ceiling, phone laying beside his ear. Things hadn't always been that weird with his brother had they?

 

 

He hadn't really thought ahead when he agreed to meet with Illumi. He thinks about telling the butlers the truth but remembers overhearing his mom lecture them on no longer doing favors for Illumi. He still had no idea what that was about. He tells Gotoh that he plans to go to soccer practice with Gon.

Illumi's place is about half an hour away which is a pain but doable. It’s cold out but not raining so he doesn’t mind the uphill walk.

He knocks on the door, feeling vaguely like he should've brought something with him. Was this one of those situations where he was supposed to have something to give Illumi? Hell, he had no idea what kind of stuff he liked or what his hobbies were.

He doesn't get to think about that for long before Illumi answers.

His brother looks basically the same as he remembers him, all giant eyes and hair. There are a pair of glasses shoved up his head, and that's new, but he doesn't look changed apart from that.

“Hey, uh," Killua says. How does he address his brother now? Everything he used to use felt either to childish or too formal. "Illumi.” Killua flinches. “Good to see you."

Illumi doesn't seem all that bothered at how he's addressed. “Hey.”

"Sorry I'm late?" Killua says with a shrug. He's actually not late at all. God, he really didn't know how to talk to his brother.

“Want to come in?”

"Yeah. I really would."

 

 

Illumi makes him a cup of hot chocolate which is kinda awesome and they work through all their awkward small talk right off the back. How was work? Fine. Nice place you've got here. Thanks. What've you been up to? Not much. Killua runs out of questions to ask quickly and then he's stuck racking his brain over how to fill the silence. Illumi hasn't asked about his life yet.

After Illumi finishes making himself tea he gestures towards the couch. Killua sits down and takes a couple more sips of his hot chocolate. It's really good and warm which is nice because it was fucking freezing out. Illumi sits down in the arm chair angled towards his couch. There isn't a TV in the living room but there are a shit ton of books.

The silence starts to feel a little uncomfortable as the two of them drink. "Um,” Killua starts.

"You said there was a reason you called me?"

"That." Killua scratches his head. It was hard for him to tell if Illumi was just being his normal weird self or if he was annoyed with Killua for some reason. "I guess I was fishing for advice."

"About what?"

"This... it's really dumb and not that big of a deal. I mean plenty of people have the same problem and it doesn't come up that much. It's not like I can't avoid it if I want to."

Illumi stares at him silently.

Killua stares down at his feet. "I'm afraid of the dark."

He isn't sure why he's expecting laughter but he's braced for it.

Illumi nods for him to continue. Killua takes a big gulp of his hot chocolate. "I don't really know how it happened but one day a couple years ago I noticed it when the porch light was out. I got freaked out for some reason and now I have trouble trying to go to sleep when it's too dark. It's so dumb, this shouldn't be a thing and it's just the worst."

"So you wanted my help with that?" Illumi hums and touches a finger to his chin.

"It doesn't really have to be you! You could recommend someone if you wanted to."

"I'm guessing you're here because you don't want mom and dad to know about your fear?"

"Yeah," he mumbles, slouching lower into the couch.

"And you probably don't want this on your insurance because it's still under them?"

"Oh crap, I forgot about that. Does that mean I have to pay myself?"

"If you wanted to hire someone else, then probably."

"Someone else?"

"I could do it for you."

Killua sits up. "You mean for free?"

"Yup. I mean I'm still a resident so it wouldn't be perfect but—"

"No that'd be awesome!" Killua is so giddy he feels lightheaded. "You'd really do that?"

"Sure." Illumi's face is completely unreadable. "It'd be great practice."

"What do we do? How do we get started?"

"I'll need some time to prepare and then we can start meeting weekly. Do you know anything about hypnotherapy?"

"Like people who wave a watch in front of your face until you don't want to smoke anymore?"

"Close enough. It's been an interest of mine for a while and it's used sometimes in the treatment of phobias."

"Woah."

"Give me a couple days. I can probably get things ready by then. Sound good?"

 

Killua's still feeling a little light headed on the bus ride back. He figures it's because he's nervous to get started.

To be honest he's surprised Illumi is so willing to help him. They hadn't been all that close in the years leading up to Illumi leaving and he hadn't bothered keeping in touch. He knew that Illumi moved out because of a fight with their parents but has no idea how bad it would have to be for them to never bring Illumi up.

Maybe he'd committed a crime or something, he thought. Like he'd gotten himself arrested for drunk driving or he'd shoplifted and they'd been so embarrassed that they'd told Illumi to leave after they'd paid the cops off.

Killua breathes against the window and scribbles through the condensation. He can't imagine their parents not telling him if Illumi did something wrong. Wouldn't they want to set an example by disowning him?

 

He doesn't sleep so well the night before his appointment. He has nightmares every now and then but maybe his brain knows that he's going to see a doctor because it's a bad one.

He wakes up hot and sweaty but can't remember what he dreamed of.

 

"On a really basic level it's all about conditioning," Illumi says, handing him a cup of hot chocolate. "Currently your brains made a connection between the dark and your fear response. What we want to do is figure out why that is and then retrain you to respond in a more positive way."

"We rewire my brain so I stop being a crazy person?"

"You're not a crazy person." Illumi sits down across from him. "But yes."

"How do we do that?"

"First get into a comfortable position." Killua swings around on the couch and lays his legs over the arm. "That'll do. Now, repeat after me... "

 

"Alright," Illumi says.

Killua blinks and sits up right. Frowning, he glances over at the clock. It's been a little less than an hour. He remembers going through a couple breathing exercises but nothing after that. It was like he'd just blinked and lost 50 minutes.

"Holy shit," Killua says.

"What is it?"

"Am I supposed to lose time?"

"Yes, that's normal."

"Damn. You're good."

"Oh. Thanks."

 

 

"Your brother is being your doctor?" Gon asks, brushing snow off a fence as they walk.

"Can't really afford to have anyone else do it," Killua says.

"Is that legal?"

"I don't know. I'm not paying him so it probably isn't important."

"Is it helping?"

"Who knows? We've only had like one session." Killua packs a handful of snow into a ball. "But he seems to know what he’s doing."

"Okay. I guess it's fine— _Killua_!" Gon laughs and flails as Killua shoves a snowball down the back of his coat.

"What's wrong?" Killua asks, tossing in more snow. Gon wiggles out of his coat and then tackles him down into the snow, both of them giggling and yelling.

 

 

"It's not an overnight cure," Illumi says the next time they meet.

"How long does this stuff take?"

"It depends on the person and on the case. Usually months at least."

"Ugh."

Illumi tilts his head.

"Not because I hate these sessions! It's really awesome of you to be doing this! I just wanna be fixed."

"I figured," Illumi says.

Killua nods, a _sorry_ on the tip of his tongue. He wonders if there's something else he should be saying. He did only find Illumi because he wanted to use him.

"Hm." Illumi checks his phone. "Do you feel like getting something to eat before we start?"

 

 

"You know," Killua says, mouth full of reuben, "The cheap stuff tastes a lot better than the fancy shit I get at home."

"That's probably more of a personal thing." Illumi takes a sip of his coffee

"Well I think it's better." Killua leans against a nearby fence. "So what do you do when you're not hanging out with me?"

"Mostly work," Illumi says easily.

"Mm, sounds kinda boring."

"It probably would be for you. I like the work and my co-workers aren't bad. I don't mind that it takes up most of my time."

Killua sits on the railing. "Girlfriend?"

"Nope."

"Hobbies?"

"Reading and research. Hypnotherapy if that counts. What about you?"

"The girlfriend thing or the hobbies thing?"

"Both. Either."

"Gon plays soccer and I play sometimes so we can hang out."

"And Gon is?"

"He's, uh." Killua clears his throat. "He's my best friend."

Illumi stares at him quietly before nodding to himself. "So you like him."

"What do you mean like him?!"

"No, it's nice. Good for you Killua."

"You…really think so?"

For a few seconds Illumi is silent. Killua looks up at him in question and finds Illumi's face is flat and unfocused. "Illumi?"

"Huh?" Illumi blinks. "Yes. Sure, it's fine."

"Okay." Killua lets out a slow breath. 

"I won't say anything. Doctor-patient confidentiality.”

 

Killua gets up after their session and stretches his arms over his head. For whatever reason his body feels a little stiff. It must be from sitting still for so long.

"Are you gonna eat that?" Killua asks, pointing to the bag with Illumi's sandwich.

"You can go ahead," Illumi says, gathering up their cups. He gets washing right away, eyes on the dishes. "I don’t have much of an appetite.”

 

The next time Killua wakes up from one of their sessions he's in the middle of eating chocolate.

"Reconditioning," Illumi says byway of explanation. "I’m trying to get you to associate the dark with positive stimuli."

"Works for me." Killua swallows a mouthful.

 

A couple weeks later they get hit with a weird heat wave. Gon is delighted to be able to play outside (as though the snow had slowed him down) so they wind up playing soccer in a very damp field. Gotoh stares at him blankly when he returns home covered in mud and grass.

"I'm not late," Killua says.

Gotoh doesn't look amused. "The shower, please."

"I'm going, I'm going."

 

Gotoh sends him back into the shower when he doesn't do a good enough job the first time. He leaves some clean pajamas on his bed.

It's too hot when Killua lays down later so he props open the window. The Christmas lights in his room are on so everything has a comforting silver glow.

Despite the fact that he’d been running around with Gon nearly an hour earlier Killua is breathing heavily. He’s tired from his long day and at first he doesn’t feel like moving but the longer he lays there, wearing only a towel between him and the warm breeze, the more it feels like something is off.

He's dialing Illumi’s number before he can think about it.

Illumi picks up on the first ring. "Hey Killua.”

“Hey.” His breathing is probably audible over the phone.

“Is something wrong?"

"I don't know. Maybe? I think I'm having a panic attack. What do panic attacks feel like?"

"Shaking, heart racing, sweating, shortness of breath. Any of that?"

"All of that. Most of that?"

"I see.” Illumi still sounds completely calm. “Does this happen a lot?"

"No. I don't know. Usually I’m just really on edge when it’s dark. "

"Hm. Okay, let's go through a breathing exercise."

For a few minutes Killua does nothing but breathe and listen to Illumi's voice. Eventually the worst of the physical symptoms subside into nothing but anxious fear.

"How are you feeling?"

"A little better I think."

"Good. Tell me what you were doing before you started panicking. Everything. Thoughts, feelings, all of it."

He tells Illumi everything that he can remember but it doesn't seem helpful to him. After that Illumi takes him through a relaxation exercise. It's helping a lot but something weird is happening.

The more he listens to Illumi's voice, the soothing tone he uses to guide him, the less relaxed he feels. It's not that he doesn't feel better, his body is less tense, it's just that there's this strange feeling in his stomach that's growing at the sound of his voice.

"Are you still with me?"

"Y-yeah. Sorry. Keep going." He's too warm but the only thing this feels similar to is when he's turned on and touching himself, but that's not what's happening. That can't be what's happening.

"How do you feel now?"

"Warm I guess?"

"Don't worry, that's normal. Anything else?"

He's half hard under his towel. Fuck, it's got to be the breathing stuff, he doesn't get hard mid-conversation. "What am I supposed to feel?"

"It varies based on the person. Do you want me to keep talking to you?"

 _No_. "Yes," he says.

"Okay, I will. You don't need to stay still anymore if you don't want to. Do whatever feels natural."

"Oh."

Killua presses his thighs together, trying to ignore the first instinct that comes to mind. His body needs to shut that down.

"Killua, you need to relax. Try to focus less on what you're thinking and more on your body and how it feels to inhabit it. Where are you tense? Where are you warm? What hurts and what feels good?"

Killua forgets how to breathe. "Illumi."

"You don't need to tell me. Just relax."

He's hard. He's not supposed to be but he is. Something about Illumi was making it difficult to panic. This was wrong, he shouldn't be getting hard at the sound of his voice but for some reason he couldn't feel guilty enough to stop.

Killua lays the phone down by his head so he can still hear Illumi’s voice and then undoes his towel.

"That's it Killua. Just relax."

He feels calmer listening to his brother tell him it's okay. He doesn’t feel worried at all as he touches his cock. Illumi was right, he does feel better now that he's doing what feels natural. It feels good to let Illumi's voice surround him while he touches himself. Why the hell shouldn't he get to have this?

"That's good Killua," Illumi says softly. Killua’s body tenses as he tries to hold in a gasp. "Now, I want you to –"

There are two sharp knocks at his door. "Killua-sama?"

"Shit!" He hangs up the phone as fast as he can and throws his shirt on before getting under the covers. "Yeah?"

Gotoh opens the door. "It looks like I managed to get all the mud out of your clothes."

It takes a moment for him to remember what Gotoh was talking about. He'd been playing with Gon only an hour earlier. He was at home in bed.

What the hell had he been doing?

"Okay, thanks Gotoh!" Killua says.

Gotoh pauses in the middle of putting away Killua's clothes. "Is there something wrong, Killua-sama?"

"No, nothing's wrong." Killua is sure his face is red. "I'm going to sleep. Good night Gotoh!"

"As you wish." Gotoh turns off the light and shuts the door.

Killua switches on the nightlight by his bed and rubs his face. A moment later his phone vibrates.

 _Is everything alright?_ Illumi asks.

_sorry gotoh walked in. im feeling better so ill talk to you later_

_Got it._

 

Killua doesn't sleep well, mortified and confused as he feels. He still has no idea what he was doing while on the phone with his brother and no idea how far he'd have gone if Gotoh hadn't walked in.

Illumi had said once that adrenaline could have dramatic effects on the body. Only he'd never gotten hard when scared before.

He's in the middle of brushing his teeth when Illumi's voice from the previous night replays in his head. Talking to him on the phone had made it feel like Illumi was speaking directly into his ear. Killua's reflection goes red.

He can't look his brother in the face after what he almost did.

 

 

Illumi texts him half an hour into when their appointment is supposed to start. Killua curses. He should've at least given him an excuse instead of just going AWOL.

_Stuck in traffic?_

If he says he isn’t feeling well or missed the bus then Illumi will expect him next week. It'll just be putting the meeting off. But if he says anything bigger Illumi may worry or stop seeing him all together. Even if he fucked things up he doesn't want to never see Illumi again.

Killua stares at his phone. He just needs time to think about this and get his head on straight. Then he can face Illumi without acting like the giant freak he currently felt like.

_im grounded so i cant come by for a few weeks_

_OK. Let me know when you're free_.

Killua sighs with relief. Thank God he didn't ask follow up questions.

His phone buzzes again.

_Don't be afraid to call again if you need anything._

No. Definitely couldn't do that. If anything came up he'd just have to suffer through it. He couldn't risk a rerun of whatever the hell that other night had been.

_k_

Couldn't fuck up a one letter response.

 

 

"You remember, don't you?" Illumi asks.

He's laying on his brother's chest, so warm and comfortable. Illumi is petting his hair and it's amazing. His head feels heavy like it's full of cotton and static. He isn't sure where he is but that doesn't matter.

"Look at me."

Killua feels his lips move. "Are you angry at me?"

"Answer the question. You acted like you didn't remember when you came back from boarding school but that was a lie. Tell me."

Illumi lifts him by the hair so the two of them are nose to nose. Their lips are so close together that his head is buzzing and it's hard to remember what the question is.

"I remember," Killua hears himself say.

A small smile forms over Illumi’s lips. It's been so long since he's seen his brother smile that he forgot how the act didn't seem to move any of the other muscles in his face. "Of course you do. I knew you were only pretending."

"I'm sorry."

"I'll forgive you." Illumi draws him in closer. "Once you've made it up to me."

 

"Killua?"

Killua starts in his seat, head spinning. Gon has been nudging his foot, trying to discreetly wake him up.

A couple other students notice but luckily their teacher doesn't see anything. Gon points towards his chin and Killua wipes his face with a sleeve. He hides his face in his book.

He's half hard in his pants.

Was this some weird Gon thing that was coming to the surface? He's had a couple of intense Gon-dreams but those were a source of mild embarrassment not a sign that he was losing his mind. Illumi had given him a lecture on misplaced emotional responses but he figured it meant being scared of shit that wasn't related to past trauma not getting turned on by an entirely different person.

Killua shoves his hair out of his face. His relationship with Illumi is new and weird but it isn't _this_ weird. They haven't even been close since he was a kid.

It was embarrassing how annoying he'd been back then. He'd followed Illumi around from room to room and cry if he didn't have all of Illumi's attention. It hadn't seemed like Illumi minded at the time but it was uncomfortable to think about how much of a giant brat he'd been; sleeping in his room whenever he felt like it, making Illumi carry him around, kissing him all the time.

Killua's skin goes cold. He used to kiss Illumi _all the time_ , not on the cheek or forehead but the lips whenever he'd come home. Whenever he was happy or Illumi would agree to play with him.

Killua swallows. He'd never really thought about it as something odd and he definitely never thought about the fact that he kissed Illumi but not his parents or the butlers. Or that they didn't kiss when other people were around. It wasn't like it'd been anything inappropriate it'd just been kid kisses. And it hadn't stopped until his parents had sent him off to boarding school for two years when he was six. Illumi hadn't tried to kiss him when he came back and Killua felt too old to do something so childish. Kissing Illumi doesn't seem very childish now. Now it seems like something that he's retroactively ruining with his gross feelings.

What had he been dreaming about again? Killua wonders. Was it related to what he was just thinking? It’s so rare for him to remember his dreams and the details are slipping away again.

 

 

_Can you meet on Thursday this week? I've got a shift during our normal meeting time._

Killua stares at his phone, biting his lip. He wasn't feeling any more ready to see Illumi. Maybe he can pretend to still be grounded.

"Is that Illumi's number?!"

"Hey!" Killua jumps off the couch as Milluki snatches the phone out of his hand. "Give that back fatass!"

"Where'd you get this, you little shit?"

"None of your business, asswipe!" He takes his phone back.

"You know mom and dad don't want us talking to him!"

"So? That's their problem. He's our brother, what's the big deal?!"

Milluki laughs. "Actually it's more _your_ problem, dumbass!"

"What the hell does that mean?"

"It means it's your fault that he got kicked out in the first place!"

Killua draws back. "What?"

"Whatever. I'm not surprised that he's back in contact with you anyway. You always were his favorite."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Forget it. I don't have anything to say about it. Unlike somebody I know how to follow mom and dad’s orders. And if you don't remember that's your own fault."

He kicks Milluki in the shin. "Don't be so fucking cryptic!"

"Ouch! Just stay away from him okay?!"

"Shut up! You better not say anything to mom and dad."

"Like I care!" Milluki kicks him back and then storms off.

 

 

Illumi has pretty lips.

It seems like a strange thing to think about a guy but it's really true. They look soft and smooth like touching them might be oddly comfortable. Familiar.

"Killua?"

Killua jumps. He's been staring silently at Illumi's lips while he talked for a suspiciously long time. "Sorry I'm kind of distracted today."

It'd been stupid for him to show up like this. He'd headed to Illumi's place, thinking more about his fight with Milluki than wanting to actually have a therapy session.

"If you're too unfocused today we can do something else."

"Like what?"

Illumi shrugs. "Want to watch a movie?"

 

Illumi lets him pick what they watch. Killua does it pretty much at random, just picking something loud and actiony that he hopes will distract him. They both sit down on the couch, watching Illumi's laptop. Even though he feels tense and weirdly aware of Illumi's presence he somehow still manages to fall asleep.

When he wakes up the laptop has been muted and is running continuously through the DVD start screen. His head feels heavy and is laying in Illumi's lap. Illumi is petting his hair.

“Illumi?” he asks, rolling over. The room is dim but not too dark. Illumi’s hands slip from his hair to his face.

"You seemed tired. I didn't want to wake you up."

Killua rubs his eyes. "Oh. Thanks."

Illumi's hands don't leave his face.

"Illumi?"

"What is it?"

“Why did you leave home?"

Illumi pets his cheek slowly, his eyes half-lidded. His thumb brushes Killua’s chin and stays hovering over his lips. “I didn't want to leave you.”

"Then why did you?”

“I'm sorry. Just know that if it'd been up to me I would've stayed with you.”

The fact that Illumi is referring to him instead of the family doesn't escape him. _You were his favorite_ , Milluki had said. It seemed ridiculous when Illumi had always loved his entire family, but maybe there was something to it.

There's something different about this moment, something suffocating about Illumi's presence. He's leaning ever so slightly over Killua and for some reason it feels like his body remembers the weight of Illumi against his lips. It’s trying to tell him something about the warmth in Illumi's hands over his face. The way he's lying there in Illumi's lap, his knees up and spread in his sleep while Illumi watches him, watches his lips -

Illumi lets him go. “I think you should go home."

Killua sits up, feeling much too warm. “Yeah, it's getting late.”

 

 

Killua has another nightmare a couple days later, and doesn't remember it once again. He's sweated through his pajamas and is breathing hard. He's so focused on the half-formed nightmare that it takes a moment for him to realize he's hard.

"Fuck." Killua peaks into the hallway before running into the bathroom. He stands under the cold spray for a few minutes, trying to will the erection away.

He's got a strange headache forming behind his eyes. All of his thoughts are in a jumble, caught between panic and grogginess. He tries to focus on his breathing and listen to the sound of the shower. Eventually he gives up and wraps a hand around his cock.

An image pops into his head; his dream of laying on Illumi's chest, of kissing him. He stops his hand.

Killua squeezes his eyes shut, trying to push the image aside. A cascade of thoughts slip through his brain as he tries to find something as far away from his dream as possible. He hasn't deluded himself into thinking about girls when he masturbates for years and any fantasy he tries throwing himself into feels vague and unsatisfying. Though he promised himself years ago that he wouldn't, he tries thinking about Gon, how warm and rough his hands are, the comforting warmth of Gon beside him. It was a good fantasy but he can tell it's not working this time.

 _Get on your knees for me_. Killua startles, his knees giving way as a jolt of pleasure rushes through him.

"No way." Killua shakes his head. That had been Illumi's voice in his head, compelling him to kneel in front of him.

Killua covers his face, stifling the sounds of his guilty pleasure. He should stop, he really should, but he's getting harder now.

 _You're not going to choke are you?_ Killua whimpers, pressing his fingers against the phantom weight on his tongue and jerking himself off faster. He presses his forehead against the cold tiles.

"Illumi," he hears the whisper fall from his lips and it feels wrong, wrong in every way. What he's getting off on and even the way he's addressing his brother while he does it. But his cock doesn't care. It spurts in his hand, and he shudders through a hard orgasm.

 

 

"Are you okay Killua?" Gon asks, waving a hand in front of his face.

"Huh?" Killua looks away from the sidewalk.

"You look really out of it."

Killua shakes his head. He’s missed an entire conversation with Gon. "Just haven't been sleeping well."

Gon grabs his hand. "Gon?" he asks, heart pounding.

Gon stares straight ahead. "You know you can tell me if something's wrong, right? I can keep secrets. I don't care if you're in some kind of trouble."

"Gon... " Killua whispers. Gon squeezes his hand tighter and says nothing. Killua swallows. "Yeah...I know. Thanks."

 _He doesn't love you_ , a voice in his head says.

Killua stops walking.

"Killua?" Gon tugs at his hand.

_You don't love him either._

"I'm sorry Gon." Killua detangles their hands. "I just remembered that I've gotta go home!"

Gon's face falls. "Killua, wait."

Killua laughs nervously. "I'll talk to you later!"

 

 

"Hey Killua," Illumi says, holding the door open. "Come on in."

"Thanks." Killua tries to sound as casual as possible. He's got his hands shoved into his pockets to hide the way they're balled up tight.

"Do you want a hot chocolate?"

Killua starts to say he's not in the mood but decides he doesn't want to show that he's on edge. "Did I leave my charger here last week?" Killua asks, accepting the cup.

"Yup. Hold on a second, I'll go grab it."

The second Illumi is out of sight he pours the majority of his hot chocolate down the sink. The entire room smells a little sweet so he hopes the smell will go unnoticed. By the time Illumi comes back he's sitting in his normal spot, cup in hand. Ever the organized person, the charger is tied up neat.

"Thanks." Killua shoves it back into his bag.

"No problem. Are you ready?"

"Yeah." Killua leans back on the couch.

Illumi guides him through their normal breathing exercises. After about ten minutes he asks, "Alright Killua. Are you under?"

"Yes," Killua says, keeping his voice relaxed and steady. He tries as hard as possible to keep himself still. He's not losing time like he usually does.

"Good," Illumi says.

 

Illumi keeps talking to him in a soothing voice while he lowers the lights. He says lots of positive stuff, making him repeat nice affirming sentences to himself. It's relaxing. He nearly falls asleep in the middle of it.

Nothing strange happens. Killua isn't sure what he was expecting, for Illumi to start whispering weird sexual stuff but the entire thing seems mostly normal.

Apart from the obvious fact that Illumi has probably been putting some kind of sedative in his drinks.

 

A part of him had hoped that he would be able to blame Illumi for the freaky thoughts that he'd been having.

 

Before Gon can start thinking that he's trying to avoid him Killua texts and asks if he can spend the night. Gon sounds genuinely excited and doesn't ask any hard questions when he shows up.

The two of them play video games for hours and eat junk food until Mito comes home. The two of them make it easier for him to autopilot his way through the night. He can pretend that nothing is wrong.

 

"Do you want it?"

Illumi's voice is quiet and intimate, his lips pressed against Killua's ear so his words feel warm and tingly. It's so hard to focus on anything but Illumi's voice and how warm it makes him feel. Everything else feels like background information when compared to his brother's voice in his head.

"Yes, I want it," a voice that sounds like his own says.

"Keep touching yourself.”

Killua feels his hands moving, even though the rest of him feels so soft and heavy. He lets himself lean to the side so he's pressed against Illumi before he starts stroking himself again. Slowly this time, Illumi likes him to go slowly and be gentle with himself. He wants Killua to give him something to watch.

Which is why he's naked. So he doesn't have a chance to hide anything from Illumi. He needs to obey Illumi. He needs to make his big brother happy.

Illumi is barely touching him, only brushing a teasing hand along his thigh. Killua can't seem to focus on the mechanical movement of his own hand on his cock when Illumi is brushing the tips of his fingers along his skin.

"I want you to say it again."

Killua tries to talk but all that comes out is a faint gasp.

"You heard me." Killua feels himself being turned so he's meeting large black eyes. "Kil, say it."

Killua looks at him, so pulled in by the blackness that he feels like he might disappear.

Illumi touches his chin and then runs his thumb over Killua's bottom lip.

"Please fuck me Oniichan."

 

“Killua?” a different voice says, soft and right next to him. He opens his eyes to find himself only a couple of inches from Gon’s face and just as hard as he'd been in the dream he's already forgetting.

“Ah.” He pulls back a couple inches, seeing Gon blink at him, wide awake. “I-I'm sorry.”

But Gon takes a slow stuttering breath and shakes his head. “It's okay,” he says. His eyes aren't on Killua’s eyes but on his lips.

This is unexpected, and it's frightening but it's something he wants. And from the way Gon is looking at him he wants it too.

Killua leans in and kisses him.

Gon makes a quiet sound. When Killua ends the small chaste kiss Gon kisses him back.

He's wants to completely forget his dreams and the feelings they'd invoked in him. He wants to live entirely in this moment and remember this person who he likes, who makes him feel warm and loved.

Gon moves in closer and places a soft hand on his stomach. It's so different from the way Illumi makes him feel, he thinks. There's nothing guilty or frightening about this.

"Killua," he asks quietly, "is this okay?"

Killua nods, breathing a little faster as Gon's hand moves under his shirt and towards his pants. He's still hard.

Gon inhales nervously. He brings his hand down until he brushes his erection. Killua flinches.

"Sorry," he says quickly, before Gon tries to stop, "it's fine. It's good."

Gon bites his lip and carefully touches his cock.

In his head he hears Illumi’s voice low and heavy like a whisper, _that's good, just like that. Let your big brother see you come,_

He shoves Gon’s hand out of his pants, shaking as he falls out of the bed.

“Killua?" Gon sits up. "Did I do something wrong? Killua?”

“No, it's not you." Killua gets up and puts on his coat. He searches frantically for his bag and packs all of his stuff into it. "It’s me again, it's always me. Fuck!”

“Wait, hold on. Where are you going?"

"It was a memory, not a dream," Killua says, fumbling with his zipper. "I've been blaming myself all of this time but it was a fucking memory!"

"What are you talking about? Killua?"

"I'm sorry, Gon. I have to go!"

"Killua!"

 

It's past midnight when he runs out of the apartment. He realizes he forgot his phone but he can't go back like this. He catches the bus instead.

He hasn't stopped shaking by the time he gets to his stop. It's raining heavily, and soaking his pajama so Killua doesn't slow down, he just runs.

Illumi looks unhurried when he comes to the door, as though Killua hadn't been pounding on it. He's dressed down and has no visible reaction to Killua standing there in the rain, drenched all the way through.

"Hi Killua. You're up late."

Killua is shaking, cold and furious. “What the fuck did you do to me?”

Illumi's expression shifts slowly to amused pity. Killua remembers the smile from his dream; the way the rest of his face remains flat and unfeeling. "Why don't you come on in?"


	2. Chapter 2

Illumi doesn't offer to make him anything this time. He picks up his own cup of tea from the kitchen counter and takes his usual place on the couch. He takes a sip and then gestures for Killua to sit down.

Killua is still soaking and out of breath but Illumi's behavior knocks the steam out of him. He drips a trail of water across the apartment and sits down. He keeps looking at Illumi, waiting for some sign of guilt or fear but he looks no different from normal.

"So," Illumi says, "What's up?"

"You... " He stops, feeling the words catch in his throat. He remembers the strange fantasy he had in the shower and his face heats up. The clock said it was nearly two in the morning and he'd run all the way in his pajamas.

"Shit, I'm sorry," Killua says.

"What for?

"I shouldn't have—I’m sorry. I'm just being stupid."

"I don't think you are."

"I'll just go." Killua gets to his feet. "I'm sorry about barging in here and—"

"Kil, sit down."

He's back on the couch. His body had obeyed Illumi on its own.

Illumi puts his cup down. "What did you want to ask me?"

"It's nothing. I don't want to ask anymore," Killua says. There's a vague feeling of dread crawling up his spine and he has no idea how to make it stop or get away from Illumi. He can't get up.

""What the fuck did you do to me?" That was what you said at the door." Killua grabs onto the cushion beneath him, squeezing so hard his hands hurt. "Do you want to know what the fuck I’ve been doing to you?"

Killua looks away. "I've been feeling weird lately."

"Is that so?”

"It's... your fault, isn't it?"

He hears Illumi get up. "Yup. It sure is."

The couch shifts as Illumi sits beside him. They're not touching, not even sitting that close but it’s suddenly crowded.

"Milluki said I'm your favorite. Is that true?"

"That's a silly question," Illumi says. "You know the answer. Ask me what I've been doing to you."

"What have you," Killua's voice cracks, "what did you do to me Illumi?"

"That really depends."

The air is getting thicker. Killua can't breathe.

"Are you asking what I've been doing to you for the last few months," Illumi tilts his head, smiling, "or are you asking what I did to you three years ago?"

 

 

*

Things get complicated around Illumi's second year of med school, when he returns home for the holidays.

His parents are happy to have him but there's nothing particularly satisfying about being greeted by a hoard of polite butlers. He never got used to coming home and not having Killua greet him by squealing and hugging him around the knees.

Killua has the flu, which has left him grouchy and stuck indoors. According to Tsubone he probably got it at school and completely refused to get a flu shot when people started getting sick. He won't need to go to the hospital, she explains, he just needs time to rest. And some quiet.

"It's good to see you Kil," Illumi says when he sees him for the first time. Killua has only left his room to go to the bathroom and offers a vague grunt of acknowledgement before slamming the door behind him. It's been over three months since they last saw each other but that doesn't earn him eye contact.

Illumi has a couple papers that keep him busy as first but he'll be done with those quickly enough. For now he’s still itching to see Killua. A quick visit will tide him over for a few days.

He ducks into Killua's room later, having nabbed a dinner tray from one of the butlers. Killua is watching T.V under a pile of blankets and makes an annoyed sound when Illumi touches his forehead. "Could you knock it off? Gotoh's already checking my temperature every hour."

"Are you getting enough fluids?"

"Yeah." Killua sinks deeper into his blankets, pointedly turning up the volume. "I've had like twenty cups of tea with honey and a bunch of soup. I'm full of cough medicine, and the blanket and my socks are thermal too. I'm good."

"Make sure you get your shots next time."

Killua grimaces.

"I know you hate needles, but still."

"If I agree will you stop hovering? I'm fine."

“For now. I’ll check on you later.”

“Please don’t.”

“I’ll be back before bed.” He leaves before Killua can disagree with him anymore.

 

Killua is laying on the couch when he gets home the next day. His blanket is wrapped around him and from the container on the coffee table he guesses Killua took some cold medicine and passed out watching T.V. None of the butlers had moved him. They tended to be more distant when Illumi was home.

"Kil, wake up." He shakes his shoulder but Killua doesn't react. He really is out.

Illumi gets a hand under his knees and shoulders so he can carry him to his room. The blanket doesn't want to untangle so he takes it along. He shoulders Killua's door open and places him on his bed.

He really doesn't look great. Sweating and breathing heavily in his sleep. Illumi pulls the blanket off and he shivers feverishly. He's been sweating an awful lot.

"Sorry Kil. I'm going to get you something to wear."

Killuas eyes flutter a bit but he doesn't react in any other way as Illumi undresses him. He isn't conscious enough to support himself so Illumi lets him lean against his chest while he finishes. His skin is slippery with sweat and is much too hot but he seems more comfortable once Illumi finishes dressing him.

He presses his hand to Killua's forehead, feeling silly a moment later given that he already knows he has a fever. His hand must be cold because Killua leans blindly into the touch. He should probably get Killua a cold towel or something instead of sitting there with a hand on his forehead.

As he gets up he feels something catch his sleeve. Though his eyes are still closed Killua is holding onto him. With substantial effort he gets up anyway. He takes Killua's hand gently, ready to remove it when he hears him mumble, "Aniki,".

His eyes are still closed. He’s not awake. But he isn't reaching blindly, grabbing whatever was near him, he's reaching for Illumi.

“Aniki,” he says again and Illumi feels his chest tighten at the neediness in his voice.

"I'm right here Kil." He sits down, squeezing his hand closer.

It's been so long since they could be close to each other, since Killua started pulling away. It's soothes some cold place in his heart at the same time as it makes his blood boil. It's unbelievably comforting to know that despite the way he acts, Illumi is still loved.

He wants more of this. More of Killua not being able to hide from him. More of this Killua who still loves him.

Unsteady hands move Killua’s hair and Illumi lets himself just touch his face. Simple. His fingertips across his brow, his knuckles along his cheeks, his palm under his smooth chin until he finds his way to Killua's lips and runs a thumb across the bottom. Illumi takes in a sharp breath when his lips fall open as though Illumi has found some secret password into him. Killua's hand has loosened but Illumi has no plans to move away.

He kisses Killua; nothing wrong with that they used to kiss all the time when they were younger, before Killua started pretending not to remember how close they were supposed to be. Killua probably hasn't been drinking enough fluids and his lips feel slightly rough. Without thinking Illumi licks at them, gently wetting them. There's nothing innocent about this but the way Killua's lips fall open wider as if to welcome him in makes his cock twitch. He presses into Killua's mouth, feeling the heavy warmth radiating from his body.

He still has his tongue in Killua’s mouth when he feels the flutter of eyelashes. When he pulls away Killua’s eyes are searching his face in drugged confusion.

"Nothing to worry about,” Illumi says, petting his cheek. “It's just me. It's your big brother.”

Something in Killua's gaze softens and he closes his eyes again. Illumi stifles his laughter. "I like you like this."

Illumi finds his lips again and then moves lower, hungry for the taste of him. He sucks gently at the delicate skin of his throat and feels Killua squirm.

Killua gasps loudly and the volume snaps Illumi out of the moment. He’s left pink marks on Killua’s skin.

"Oh. That's bad. I shouldn't have done that."

Killua's chest is rising and falling with his feverish breathing. His limbs are splayed out loose in his sleep.

Illumi swallows. He stands and pulls up the blanket. "Get some sleep Kil."

 

Killua is still coughing and sniffling the next day. It's past noon when he gets out of bed, eyes heavy and bloodshot. Illumi shoos the butlers off and follows him into the kitchen.

Killua is digging through one of the cabinets when he walks in. There's a blanket over his shoulders and his arms are full of snacks. Illumi steps in front of him to block his path and buttons up his pajama top.

“Knock it off." Killua slaps his hands away. "I can do it myself.”

“I'm sure you can,” he says. Killua hasn't noticed the bruises on his neck. He places a hand on Killua's forehead and finds him still much too warm.

"Will you quit fussing over me already?!" Killua pushes him away. All trace of that neediness, that openness that he let Illumi see the previous night is gone.

"How do you feel?"

"Like shit. Can you move?"

"Still coughing?"

"Duh."

"You'll probably need to take something if you plan on falling asleep later."

 

The dosage he gives Killua is a little too high but not enough to hurt him. He knows this is a bad idea but he can't pretend he didn't see Killua the previous night.

The door slides quietly shut behind him when he enters Killua's room. He sees Killua turned on his side, blanket spilling onto the floor. He's breathing hard, face flushed.

"Wake up Kil," Illumi says, sitting at his side. Killua doesn't react to his voice, or when Illumi touches his face. "Just kidding, I'm not in the mood for the tsundere act."

He maneuvers Killua onto his back, and presses his thumb against Killua’s lips to part them, sliding it over the points of his teeth and the wet heat of his tongue. Killua mumbles and turns from him until he's pulled back.

"Easy Kil." He kisses Killua's face and then pops the buttons of his shirt to kiss the bruises he left the previous night.

One night has already made him greedy and he doesn't stop there, sliding a hand into Killua's boxers. He waits patiently for the moment the pleasure of his touch hits and is rewarded by Killua gasping softly in his sleep. He tries to sleepily press himself into Illumi's grip.

"That's so much better. I don't know why you can't be this honest when you're awake."

He's so open like this and he's giving all of it to Illumi. Letting him be the one to see him writhe and make these desperate little noises. It's mesmerizing and even if he never sees this again it won't matter because he won't be able to forget. Illumi has the power to keep him this way for as long as he wants, stroking him slower and enjoying the way he whines and tries to unconsciously demand more of Illumi and his touch.

"How cute." He pulls his pants all the way off, tossing them away.

These small gasps leave Killua as he gets closer. Illumi hushes him softly and keeps stroking. He doesn't cry out when he comes but a soft whine gets lost somewhere in the back of his throat. Illumi kisses him again before moving down to kiss his stomach and clean away his come with his tongue. He's practically shaking when he finishes and he gropes himself through his pants, still hard and Killua's spent cock under his tongue.

Would he wake up if Illumi tried to get him off again? If he wrapped his lips around him and sucked patiently until he grew hard once more? Illumi groans and slips a hand into his pants. How far could he go with Killua like this? How much would Killua give him?

No, can't get ahead of himself. He has to start small.

He thinks about jerking himself off. Or kneeling besides Killua's body and pressing into his sleeping mouth, just enough to set him off so he can come all over his face. But cleaning that out of his hair would take too much time.

He settles for tugging his pants down and then carefully taking his brother's hand. It's soft and slack when Illumi lays his cock in his palm. It looks so small wrapped around him like this, and Illumi rocks his hips into his brother's hand, watching his face.

Killua is still unconscious. A small part of him wants to wake him up but he knows that's a bad idea, knows he shouldn't even be doing this much, so he pushes that thought aside and tightens Killua's hold on his cock. Killua's shirt is still pushed up which means that Illumi only has to angle himself to come over his hot skin. The thought makes him shudder. Going to breakfast in the morning and seeing Killua, knowing that Illumi has come on him the previous night and marked him up, it was such a good thought. He wants it, wants to see Killua sticky with him, wants to come all over his little brother as many times as he can.

Outside the door a floorboard creaks. Illumi freezes. The door to Killua's room was slightly open.

There's no way to explain this, no remotely believable reason for why he's hard and leaning over his unconscious brother. He tucks himself away and straightens out his hair. If it's one of the butlers he can't let them get away.

It isn’t one of the butlers.

Alluka stares at him from the door, blinking sleepily. She often snuck into Killua's room when she couldn't sleep.

“Alluka. How long have you been there?”

Alluka rubs her eyes. "What are you and Killua-Oniichan doing?"

He shuts Killua's door. He couldn't kill her. No, he _shouldn't_ kill her.

"Alluka," he says in his friendliest voice, "can you keep a secret?"

 

She can’t, but it was worth a shot.

 

The conversation with his parents is a long, uncomfortable one but Illumi zones out through most of it. He gets the idea: he's disgusting and disowned and never going to see Killua again. This last point his dad repeats a couple times.

"Do you understand me Illumi?" Silva asks. The use of his name brings him back in. His mother was crying. This might be the first time he's seen his parents in the same room in years, he thinks.

"Sure," Illumi says. "I'm never seeing Killua again."

He squeezes Kikyo's hand, eyes hard. "You don't have anything to say in your own defense?"

"Both of you seem pretty certain so I don't see the point. Do you want me to try? I can think of some lies if you want."

Silva's frown deepens. If he'd done anything else they would’ve defended him no matter what but his affection for Killua has never been subtle.

"Did you send him to boarding school to get him away from me?" Illumi asks. "I've always wondered about that."

Silva gets to his feet. "Illumi... "

"Forget it, of course you did. Congratulations, that wedge is in there deep."

"Illumi!" Kikyo gasps.

"Sorry Mom, just feeling a little insolent." Illumi stands up and stretches. "Well, guess I've got packing to do."

 

His stuff is gone before Killua wakes up. He has no idea what his parents tell their siblings but doesn’t really care. Alluka has no idea what she saw but Milluki is an adult so he might hear the truth. Illumi gets his own apartment because disowned or not he apparently hasn’t been cut off and life goes on. Every now and then he sends his dad a text so he knows that he's alive. All of his siblings (minus Alluka) get birthday cards and presents from him.

And he doesn't see Killua. Everything is fine.

 

The night Killua calls him he decides that he can't scare him away. Admitting that he missed Illumi meant that he'd matured but he was still young. So when Killua walks into his apartment days later, taller, and less pale than he remembers, Illumi stays calm.

"Illumi," Killua says, as though they're strangers.

Illumi doesn't remain calm.

"Good to see you?"

Illumi puts on his glasses. They're reading glasses so they just make Killua more blurry. His pulse slows. "Hey."

From there things are easier. He imagines he's talking to Hisoka and answers on instinct like he's trying to ignore him in class. The conversation is stilted but he isn't being frightening. He imagines what he really wants—to drag Killua into his arms, hold him close, and breathe him in—and keeps talking. He can't do that if he wants Killua to come back.

That's right. Illumi pulls out a mug. It's not like Killua _has_ to leave.

"Nice place you've got here," Killua says.

"Thanks. Does anyone know you're here?"

Killua pulls one of his books off the shelf, flips through it, and then shoves it back in. "Who am I gonna tell?"

"Hm. Did you have any plans after this? Anyone expecting you?"

"No?"

"Good."

"Oh wait, I did say I was going to visit my best friend."

Illumi stops scooping "sugar" into Killua's cup. "Ah. Okay."

He hands Killua the cup. If he can't drug him into unconsciousness then he'll need some excuse to bring him back.

 

As it turns out Killua does the job himself. The excuse of a phobia is convenient and Illumi makes sure to play along with his plan. Once they’ve agreed to meet again Killua hops to his feet. He stumbles a little but seems to not notice anything out of the ordinary.

"It'll be dark soon," Illumi says, watching Killua put on his coat. Keeping his face straight, hiding the depth of his excitement, isn’t something he can keep up for long. "Do you want me to drive you home?"

"As if. If anyone sees you I'm dead."

"Okay." He'd protect their secret then.

"The bus'll work." Killua waves from the apartment door. "See you!"

He grabs Killua's hood and his brother nearly slips. "Woah! Damn, that’s slippery. What was that about Illumi?"

His name again. Illumi lifts the hood over Killua's head. "Stay warm."

"Oh, thanks." Killua turns away again and Illumi thinks _don't let him go he has to stay keep him_ but let's go anyway and Killua leaves.

 

His patience is rewarded. Killua comes back. Though the first time he didn't drag Killua into his arms, hold him close, and breathe him in, he does it the next. Killua isn't frightened when he's under Illumi's influence.

"Poor Kil," he says, pulling his blurry eyed brother into his lap. "You must've been so lonely."

When under Killua is calm but his eyes are half lidded like he's sleeping. He's looking over Illumi's shoulder, not particularly focused. He breathes slowly, a sharp contrast to Illumi who's nearly out of breath. His hands shake. "Can't scare you away," he reminds himself. "We can go slowly. It's been a long time anyway.”

Illumi pets his face and Killua stays relaxed and calm. “Can you hear me right now?"

"Yes," Killua says, voice flat.

"That's good. Listen very carefully: when I call you Kil you're going to follow my orders and if you're under my control I want you to call me “Aniki” no, wait. “Oniichan”. Do you understand Kil?”

“I do what you say Oniichan."

Illumi’s entire body is shaking now. “That's right. You've got it down perfect. You really wanted to see me didn't you? You didn't need an excuse. Kil repeat after me: I missed seeing you.”

“I missed seeing you Oniichan.”

“I know, I know. I'm sorry I left. I should've taken you with me. I should've never left you alone. Kil, you were so lonely without me. Say it."

“I was lonely without you Oniichan.”

"It's okay, you're here now." He rests his head on Killua's shoulder. "Everything is fine now."

 

"Gon plays soccer and I play sometimes so we can hang out," Killua says. He’s trying to hold back a grin.

"And Gon is?"

Killua's face flushes. "He's uh." He clears his throat. "He's my best friend."

 

Killua sits in front of him, eyes closed and face relaxed. It's been several minutes and Illumi is still slouching in his seat, eyes on the ceiling.

"Why did you say that?" Illumi asks. "I know you don't mean it."

He leans forward, resting on his knees. There's a strange tightness under his skin that he can't shake. "Kil, come here."

Killua walks up to him. His eyes are dull and lifeless.

"Are you trying to make me jealous?" The expression he'd worn earlier returns to his thoughts. Happy and pure. An expression that he didn't wear for Illumi these days.

"Kil, get on your knees." He drops a pillow to the floor and then Killua is there, crouched in front of him. "What a mess. Kil, open your mouth."

There's an ache in his cock at the sight of Killua like this but he's still seething in quiet anger. He's been getting hard since they first got back and now he finally undoes his pants. He tilts Killua's face up towards him.

"You were just lying back in the park weren't you?" Killua doesn't respond. "Repeat after me Kil, you're the one I love."

"You're the one I love Oniichan."

"Yes, good. I know."

He's stroking himself slowly over Killua's face. Killua sits patient and obedient, his mouth hanging low and open with Illumi's thumb stroking his bottom lip. His eyes are flat as he looks past him. Illumi strokes himself faster.

"Repeat after me Kil, I love you Oniichan."

"I love you Oniichan." Killua's voice is toneless.

He pulls Killua between his knees, face closer to his cock. "Say it again Kil. Keep saying it until I tell you to stop."

"I love you Oniichan. I love you Oniichan. I love you Oniichan. I love you Oniichan. I love you Oniichan. I love you Oniichan—"

Illumi comes on his face, shuddering through it and then pressing his cock against Killua's lips.

"Kil, use—use your tongue." Killua licks at his cock first lightly, then with the flat of his tongue, cleaning him with broad strokes.

"You wanted me in your mouth didn't you? It's okay you don't need to be shy, I can tell." Killua's tongue slides down to his balls and Illumi shivers. He doesn't have time to do this again. He pulls Killua away.

"I love you Oniichan," Killua chants again. "I love—" He shoves his fingers into Killua's mouth and watches first as he chokes and then sucks at them.

"You're amazing. I'll teach you what to do. Don't worry."

He removes his fingers and then Killua begins confessing again. Illumi gets a tissue to clean off his face but doesn't tell him to stop until the session is over. Before then he gives him chocolate to bury the taste on his tongue.

 

“Kil," Illumi says, sometime later, "touch yourself for me.”

“Okay.” He's sitting naked on the couch,.

“Not so rough Kil,” he says. He can't have Killua noticing how sensitive he feels afterwards. Killua loosens his grip and strokes himself slower.

“Do you normally touch yourself like that?”

“Yes Oniichan.”

“Hm. I'll keep that in mind. But not now, I want you to be gentle with yourself.”

"Yes Oniichan."

"And spread you're legs. I need to see you."

Killua obeys. He's breathing faster but he's still expressionless despite his approaching orgasm. It's a cute look.

“Kil, say it again for me.”

"I love—“ Killua’s voice wavers as he comes, “love you Oniichan.”

 

 

 

"You're lying," Killua whispers.

"Lying? Why would I lie to you?" Illumi reaches out to hold his face. A shiver runs up his spine when he feels Illumi's thumb hovering over his bottom lip. "You know it's all true."

"I wouldn't—I can't have—"

"For a little while I really did plan to stay away," Illumi says. "I thought we could pretend to be normal siblings one day. Crazy right? After that I decided to just wait for you to turn 18 since no one could really stop us then. And what would a few years be for me? I wouldn't mind waiting."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about you and me. And you making the right choice."

"I can't do this. Illumi—"

"Sure you can. I've been helping you." Illumi has a blank cheerful smile. "I told you how conditioning works. You force the brain to associate one thing with another in order to evoke an emotional response. How do you feel right now?"

Hot. He's sweating too much and turned on. Why the hell is he turned on?

"That's what I've been doing. Working on making you respond to me more honestly. You had a lot to unlearn but we've made progress."

Killua shakes his head. The room is spinning. "No no no. Why would you do that to me? We're family you don't want to—"

Illumi touches the corner of his mouth.

"To...want to do this to..."

Illumi traces the outline of his lip slowly, dragging along the tender skin.

And it’s as though every rational thought flees his head leaving nothing but a awareness of his body. How warm Illumi's knee is by his, how smooth his hands are on his face. There's heat pooling in his belly, covering his cheeks until he feels freakishly warm. Anticipation grips him and his heart is pounding with excitement but he doesn't know why. He doesn't know what he's waiting for but he can hardly move.

“Why did you come here?” Illumi asks casually, as if he hasn't noticed what's happening. For some reason the space between them feels smaller, though Killua doesn't think either of them has moved.

“I wanted the truth.”

“You already knew the truth. You could've asked mom and dad.”

Illumi lifts his face and yes, they are closer together. He's been moving so slowly Killua didn't notice but now he's leaning over him on the couch. Killua shuts his eyes. "Why did you come back to me?”

“I...I didn't have any proof.”

“You know I've been drugging you. Your blood and my history would've been enough. Why did you come here? Kil, tell me.”

The switch to his old childhood nickname throws him off and it's like a dam breaks over his self control.

“I don't know,” Killua finds himself saying, voice shaking. “I felt like I had to see you. I was scared and embarrassed because… because…”

“You got hard listening to my voice right?"

Killua swallows then nods.

“Was that it? Tell me.”

“I-in the shower. I was thinking about you.”

“When you touched yourself.”

“Yes.”

"Kil, open your eyes."

Killua's eyes open immediately.

"It's okay Kil, it's nothing to be embarrassed about,” he says. “I think about you when I masturbate too.”

Before Killua's brain can start to process his words, Illumi is closing the last of the distance between them, his eyes half closed. “Okay. I'm going to kiss you now. I wanted you to be awake for this."

“Illumi…”

“You want this don't you Kil?”

For all the quiet hunger in his voice Illumi's kiss is surprisingly gentle. His lips are softer than Killua remembers but there's a familiar comfort in them. Even when one of Illumi's hands is pushing its way up his thigh, sliding along his damp clothing he doesn't press the kiss. Instead he licks gently at Killua's closed mouth and then presses small rapid kisses there.

Killua pulls away when he feels Illumi's hands drift down to the front of his pants. He wants to say something, probably tell him to stop but at the same time he doesn't want that at all. If Illumi notices how hesitant Killua feels he doesn't show it, doing nothing but stroking his bottom lip again and before Killua can think they’re kissing again.

A high pitched noise leaves his mouth when long fingers grope his cock through his clothes. Illumi continues on this way. Kisses that seem almost innocent but take his breath away and the rough handling of his cock. It scares him that Illumi knows how he likes touching himself. This is supposed to be Killua's first time doing this but Illumi handles him like he's been doing it his entire life. The thought makes his cock twitch in Illumi's hand.

“Illumi," the name leaves his mouth of its own accord, "please.”

“You want me to stop?”

“No. Please just.” He presses himself up into Illumi's hand. He has no idea what he's doing but he just wants this to be over.

“Nope. Not yet.”

“Why?”

“Tell me what you thought about in the shower.”

Killua feels his cheeks heating up. "No."

Illumi brushes his hair back and kisses his forehead. “Tell me what you thought about and I'll give it to you.”

“I don't…”

“What was I doing? You know you can tell me anything. I won't get upset. No? Do you want to know what I think about when I jerk off?”

There's this strange amount of amusement and patience in Illumi's eyes, like he's enjoying how scared he is. “No. I don't wanna know.”

“I told you, didn't I? The first time I came into your room when you woke up. Do you remember that?” He strokes Killua’s cheek with his thumb. “Right when I kissed you, you opened your eyes and looked at me. I thought you'd be angry but you weren't. You saw me leaning over you and you closed your eyes because you trust me and you want this as much as I do.”

Outside of Illumi's recollection he doesn't remember the moment he's talking about.

“That's what I thought about the last time. How soft you looked letting me have my way with you. We hadn't been talking much since I left for school but having you leave yourself so open for me reminded me of when you were little and we were inseparable.

“Tell me Kil,” Illumi says again and Killua has no idea what to do.

“I thought about you...in my mouth,” he says quietly.

"Oh, you were thinking about sucking my cock?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay then. I'll let you suck me.” Killua can't breathe. He doesn't know why the thought of that is making him harder or why his mouth is watering. “You do want that don't you?”

“I don't know.”

“Sure you do. You want this very much.”

Killua feels himself nod.

“Lay back for me.” Killua moves before he's made a decision. His heart starts pounding when he sees how exposed this leaves him. Illumi moves up the couch until his knees are by Killua's shoulders. Very suddenly he's eye level with Illumi's crotch and tries to back up. He can't do this. His brother is twice his age and his _brother_ for God's sake. He needs to tell Illumi to stop.

Illumi presses his thumb against Killua's bottom lip and he stops moving, distracted by the contact. Illumi traces his bottom teeth lightly with his thumb.

“Just like that. Keep your mouth open for me.” Illumi leans back to undo his pants and Killua doesn't move. He stays there, mouth slack and trembling as he watches Illumi free his cock. Something in the back of his head is telling him that there is something horribly wrong about this, that he shouldn't feel so starved at the sight of his brother's cock but there's a much louder voice there too, telling him how much he needs this. He can't imagine what he's supposed to do so he just stares.

Illumi leans back in, knees on either side of his head and cock held lightly in his hand. He guides it towards Killua’s mouth.

“Illumi, wait."

“It's nothing to be afraid of,” he says. His voice almost manages to inflect kindness. “You've done this before.”

He starts to respond but Illumi's cock brushes his mouth, spreading his lips around its girth. Unsure what to do or feel he looks up at Illumi to find his expression still dark but expecting now like he wants Killua to make the first move. There's anticipation rolling in his gut as he licks at the weight on his lips and feels Illumi twitch, thick and hot on his tongue. He doesn't think he should know what he's doing but it feels normal to try and taste Illumi like this. So he does it again. He hears Illumi whisper a breathy _yes_.

Soon enough Illumi's getting harder against his lips. Ignoring the last of his good judgement Killua opens his mouth wide enough for Illumi to press his cock in.

The stretch is uncomfortable for only a moment before Killua adjusts to it. He doesn't have much reference in terms of size but it fills his mouth easily, forcing him to open as wide as he can. Their positions give him no room to move. He can hardly see anything passed the black curtain of Illumi's hair but it's hard to pay attention to much outside of the hot weight of Illumi's cock on his tongue, real this time and not a memory.

Without warning Illumi pulls out only to push back in and Killua hears himself moan before he can stifle the sound.

It's familiar and even more frightening it’s good, like stretching an unused muscle. He isn't choking like he thought he would. Illumi was telling the truth; he's done this before, tasted Illumi before, let him fuck his mouth and gotten off to it.

“You're doing so well Kil, just relax your jaw and suck.”

He obeys, letting his mouth react almost on its own to the command. When Illumi whispers _yes that's good_ an alien feeling of pride fills Killua’s chest like it's someone else soaking up his brother's praise. Growing hard at just the taste of Illumi, and the sound of his voice.

“That’s good. I knew you could do it.” He takes Killua’s head carefully in his hands and thrusts in a little deeper only for Killua to gag. “Move your head a little bit this way. Yes, like that. Let me in Killua. Let big brother fuck your throat. You want to make me feel good don't you?”

He does. He doesn't understand why but he wants it. This time when Illumi thrusts into his mouth Killua moans, abandoning any attempt to hold back or understand what's happening. He's desperate and Illumi's voice and his overbearing presence were only making him harder. He doesn't want to think about why this is happening or the fact that Illumi has admitted to raping him. He just wants it to happen.

“ _Ahh_ ,” Illumi breathes softly when Killua grabs the back of his thighs, pulling at him so he slides in deeper. “That's right, you love this."

Killua shifts restlessly under him, trying to satisfy the growing tension in his pants. He reaches down between his legs to try and jerk himself off.

"No Kil. Not yet."

Killua whines but let's go.

“I didn't forget you. Finish your job and I'll help you.”

Killua hums his understanding. He tries to move his tongue more and lick at Illumi’s cock when he pulls out. He's panting and drooling everywhere and has no idea if what he's doing is getting Illumi off until the other groans and clutches at his head, hair falling besides Killua’s face as he leans in.

“I can't believe I almost didn't have you.” Illumi leaves just the head of his cock in him and Killua takes a breath before bathing his cock with his tongue. His voice is soft but something in the black of his eyes makes a sliver of fear slip free from his temporary insanity. Illumi thrusts hard this time, his grip forcing Killua’s head still, and the moment passes buried under the hot fog of his arousal. Illumi sets the pace with short brutal thrusts that don't give him time to think.

“You came back to me Kil," he says, and the certainty in those words takes root in his thoughts. He came back for Illumi. "I tried to leave and you found me like I knew you would. We're supposed to be together, you know that now, don't you?" He moans in relief when Illumi reaches back to finally grope his cock. “Yes, Kil. Ah, yes.”

Killua tries to say his name but only produces a choked moan.

“Don't worry, I know what you want now. For your dearest big brother to come down your throat. That's it isn't it? So you can taste me and I can fill you up. You're going to be a good boy and swallow your big brother’s come aren't you?”

Killua groans as best he can with Illumi in his mouth. He feels like crying but he's also never wanted anything so much in his life. Somewhere in the back of his head he knows that isn't normal but he can't stop and can't make himself care.

Illumi pulls out of his mouth after a shallow thrust and Killua practically whines, almost sitting up until he's pushed back down. Killua doesn't think he's ever seen his brother like this; panting almost as hard as he is, his hair which is usually so neat is falling messily over both of them, tickling Killua's face. It's his eyes that have Killua’s attention now though. Even when he's smiling and practically trembling with excitement it looks shallow and fake.

“Were you trying to say something Kil?”

“Stop," Killua pants, "stop playing with me.”

“I would never play with you at a time like this. I just want to hear your answer. Did you want me to come in your mouth or didn't you?”

“Fuck. I don't know just do it!”

Illumi wets his lips, still not doing what he wants but watching Killua with a look of immense satisfaction. “Oniichan.”

"What? I'm not going to—" His eyes flicker down as Illumi tugs at his cock a few times. He finds himself unable to look away. "Hey, come on."

"O-nii-chan," Illumi says slowly.

Killua swallows. “O-Oniichan please.”

“Please let me taste you Oniichan.”

“Please…let me taste you Oniichan."

"That's good. Anything for you.”

Illumi's thrust back into his mouth is savage enough that it gets him to choke but his body doesn't slow down. He sucks at him, loving the way Illumi's fingers tighten in his hair.

"I'm so glad I get to have you," Illumi says and then he shoves his cock as far as it'll go and holds himself there.

He jerks when he feels Illumi’s cock throb in his throat but even this feels familiar and he swallows around him obediently. He’s too turned on to care how embarrassing he must look trying to shove himself further down his brother's cock. Illumi gives him a few languid thrusts while he finishes coming and Killua finds himself reluctant to let Illumi stop fucking his mouth. He's frightening himself with how badly he wants to please Illumi and is still chasing his cock with his tongue so he can feel him for as long as he can.

 _Ask him to fuck you_ , a voice in his head says. _Beg him. Tell him you need his cock in you. He'll do it, he loves you._

Killua swallows down the taste in his mouth and watches Illumi redo his pants. He wants it, but he doesn't really want it, he tries to remind himself. He wasn't thinking clearly, he couldn't let Illumi continue. This had to stop.

Illumi reaches for his face. Killua flinches, trying to push his hands away but Illumi pins them down and wipes a thumb across his bottom lip. Killua forgets what he was just thinking, drowning again in his arousal.

"Did you like that?"

"Yes," Killua pants. And then unprompted he says, "You taste good Oniichan."

Illumi blinks. "Do I really? Thanks. You did very well with sucking my cock. What do you want as your reward?"

 _Fuck me_. No, Killua thinks. Not that. He grabs onto Illumi's shirt. “I want..." _Don't touch me. Leave me alone. Let me leave_. "Touch me Illumi. Please, Oniichan. Touch me."

“Of course Kil."

Illumi is still kissing him the way they used to kiss, gentle and brief like it really is something pure. But Killua wants more and deepens the kiss on his own so he can have Illumi's tongue in his mouth. He throws his arms around Illumi's shoulders, tugging him closer by the fabric of his shirt, and trying to press his cock into him. He's so hard he almost came just from Illumi finishing in his mouth but he needs something else to drive him over the edge.

"You're so cute like this," Illumi says, hand sliding down only to his stomach. "I should keep you this way forever.

"No! Please, please."

Illumi stops his begging with another kiss and Killua tilts his hips upwards, inviting his touch.

“That was just a joke, don’t worry,” Illumi says, and Killua moans in frustration. “I missed kissing you. Did you miss kissing me?”

“Yes.” He has no idea if that's true or if he's saying it so Illumi will get him off.

“Then say it.”

“I missed kissing you Oniichan. Please."

“I'm happy to hear that." Illumi pulls down his pajama pants and Killua can't be bothered to feel embarrassed. All he feels is relief.

Illumi starts slow when he touches him, staring into his eyes while he jacks him off. When Killua starts to pant and yank at his clothes he leans down to kiss his cheek and whisper into his ear. "Tell me something Kil: who's the only person on earth who loves you?”

Killua turns to look at him, but Illumi just smiles and gives his cock a rough tug that makes him cry out.

He swallows. His mouth still tastes like Illumi's come. "I-I..."

"Tell me Kil. You already know."

He braces, tries to tell himself he's lying just to get off but he still feels something break when he says, “You are. You're the only person who loves me.”

“Yes I am. And I always will be." Illumi kisses his face again and jerks him faster. Killua hates that it feels like an award but it's still good. Killua chokes on a moan that might also be a sob.

"And who do you love more than anyone else?"

He's shaking in Illumi's hand now, writhing. He's so close. “Ah ah! Oniichan! I love my Oniichan more than anyone else!”

"Do you really?"

"Yes! Yes! I love you I—"

"More than you love Gon?"

"Yes, I don't love Gon! I only love you!"

Illumi's eyes are the only thing he can see. "You were made for me weren't you?"

"Fffuck! I love you! I was made for you! Please! Oniicha--" the last of Killua's words are crushed down by Illumi's kiss. He jerks one last time into his hand before coming with a cry that's suffocated by Illumi's lips.

 

He doesn't remember Illumi cleaning him up, or giving him drier clothes but he remembers mentioning he was supposed to be at Gon's house.

"Is that so?" Illumi asks. "Well, that works. No one should be expecting you home until tomorrow. You can stay here."

"Oh," Killua says in a daze. He follows along as Illumi leads him to the bedroom. "But... Gon."

"Don't worry about him. You're staying here Kil."

"I'm staying with you Oniichan."

"That's exactly right." Illumi pulls back the covers and climbs in after him. "Come here."

He slides into his brother's embrace and Illumi holds him close, without any of the desperation from earlier. Illumi's bed is warm but he's still shivering.

“Hey." Illumi strokes a hand up his back and pets it through his hair. It feels nice. Everything Illumi has done to him feels nice. "I love you Kil."

The words _I love you too_ ring through his head but he fights them down. Illumi doesn't press he just keeps stroking his back.

Eventually he stops and Killua figures he's fallen asleep. It's a while before he realizes that there's a nightlight in Illumi's room, keeping the dark at bay.

Killua shifts in his brother's grip but not very far. He switches the nightlight off, then on, then off again. Laughter bubbles up in his throat but he holds it in. He returns to Illumi's hold, his own arms wrapped around himself.

He was still afraid. The light made no difference.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! since tumblr has been annoying lately check me out on [twitter](http://twitter.com/statuscrows)?


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